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The Bachelor Blog: FINALE Edition

First things first...there was not enough Girl Scout Cookies and beer in the world to get me through this episode...I have no idea what I will do at 7pm next Monday...maybe just stare at the wall or something.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @Mimzway) 

So it started off with Chris bringing our girl Whitney home to meet his family and boy did she lay it on thick.  She showed up in plaid as if to say..."Hey Pick me!  I can milk a cow too"...and then she could straight up be a politician or interview for any job.  She got up on her perky soapbox and made a declaration of love for Chris to his family...because you know...true love happens after you know a man for a few weeks while he is making out with multiple women.  Then Whit opened the flood gates and started crying.  

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

 The best part of the date were Chris's sister.  They looked like they shared a box of dye with Whitney...and like they had read every single page of 50 Shades of Grey...that and what appeared to be a dead dog hiding in the couch.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @clarecall)

it's too bad one of them couldn't marry Chris...he only really ever seems to laugh when talking to them.  Everyone also thought that Whitney should ease up on how thick she was laying it on...even his neice

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(Photo courtest of Twitter.com @smcalderon92)

The only thing I really have to say about her date is that Whitney is too thirsty for this...and seems to get off a little bit too much on the fact that they made a baby together in a fertility center..which btw...what kid wants to say they were made on a hometown date?!?  If Chris didn't choose her...I'm pretty sure she would have gotten a sample from him and started on a baby...because her desperation kinda painted her crazy...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then there was Becca.  She has recieved a lot of hate this season because she won't say that she loves Chris and she is honest that she will not immediately move to be with him...because that is crazy talk...who doesn't get married to a man after only dating on camera while filming a competition. 

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Chris's family was not a big fan of Becca...because after women just throwing themselves at him all season they did not like Becca's approach...but lets be honest, she made it to the end because she was like that to Chris.  She is literally the only person that he had to chase all season long.  Mad props girl...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

Chris went on his last date with Becca...and yet again she said that she does not know what she wants.  She knows that she likes him but she is not willing to just give him the answers he wants.  She wants to move slow...which kinda makes me wonder why she ever did the show.  At the same time...Chris is still sticking around...but I'm pretty sure his reason is something that rhymes with Dat Gas...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC) 

And in the realest answer of the season...she said she can't just move to Arlington and have no career, no hobby, no nothing else other than Chris.  She can't do that to herself. 

 

So after that deep moment...Chris plowed Whitney's field on her date

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Honestly...he and Whitney's date was boring.  Whitney talked a lot and Chris constantly looked like he was trying to figure out what purple smells like...it's like he thinking really hard...but we aren't sure about what...and that's all I have to say about that

 

(Photo courtesy of monologuedb.com) 

Oh did I mention that their date drug on for about a million more minutes...can we bring the trashy girls back?  This show really blows without Katelyn...I felt like I was watching the grass grow...or cows be ready to be milked...oh wait...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

After a lot of time killing to try to get some extra ratings...Chris finally sent Becca home.  He basically gave her the whole...it's not you, it's me thing.  He even said you are going to make some man so happy one day...but it is just not going to be me.

Then Becca got in a limo and was all "Peace out!" to the cows.  Because lets be honest...Becca is a lot of things...a Carrie Underwood lookalike, a pure lady but she is definitely not a farmer.  So all in all...Becca is the real winner this season.  She doesn't have to pretend to want to be a farmer's wife.  Live your life Becca!

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(Photo courtesy of @krstcmbs6 on Twitter.com)

Then Chris officially chose Whitney...and got down on one knee and proposed to Whitney...and all of America threw up.  Thanks for getting me on track to start losing weight for bikini season..and congrats.  May you raise many calves together...Then Chris tried to call and tell someone...but he couldn't...because...you know...no cellphone service out on the farm.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC) 

Oh...and then somewhere Britt was all like 

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC) 


E on The Q Where Liz Dances w/ Ryan Gosling!

Ryan Gosling has always been too cool for school...even when he was only 12 dancing to MC Hammer...video has emerged of him getting his dance on like a straight P-I-M-P...while the rest of us had pimples and angst this kid was working it...seriously...Ryan has always been perfect...
 
And John Stamos is no longer famous.  Gah...my heart is breaking because Uncle Jessie himself visited the house from Full House over the weekend...and those dang whippersnappers had no idea who was standing next to them taking a picture.  Maybe they would have recognized him with a mullet...have mercy.
 
And Tom Hanks is drunk...he must be because he made a massive career misstep...he stars in Carly Rae Jepson's new music video...you know that one that sang "Hey I just met you...but here's my number...call me maybe"...and just when you think that is rock bottom...he starts dancing with Justin Bieber...look away little Oscar statue...you don't want to see this.
 
John Mayer is an idiot...because he is talking about his ex girlfriend...Taylor Swift.  So we are at the height of the Perry/Swift feud...and Katy BF started to run his mouth on MSNBC.  First things first...John...you aren't the stock market...what the heck are you doing on that channel...and 2nd...never discuss your ex...it will drive your current girl crazy.  He at first was singing Taylor's praise for pulling her music from Spotify...but then it was like a light when off that he shouldn't be praising her...so then he turned it into how much more he is than a song about Taylor Swift...dude...you are so much more...like a toolbag.

E on The Q Hair Edition!

The Justin Bieber roast just got so much better...because new roasters were added to the lineup yesterday...Ludacris, Shaquille O'Neal, Snoop Dogg and my absolute favorite...Martha Stewart. Justin Bieber has misfolded one too many hand towels for Martha to stand by any longer...plus if she bombs at least she can properly help him sanitize the next mop bucket he pees in. 

Jared Leto looks like a hot mess.  So we all knew he cut off his luscious locks...which was hard enough...but now he is bleach blonde...and it looks terrible. He looks like a blonde version of Liza Minnelli's ex husband now..so excuse me while I go cry in a corner.
 
Kim Kardashian is winning Harry Potter fans around the world...because her new ratchet blonde hair makes her look like Draco Malfoy.  Even Tom Felton...aka Draco joined in on the fun making fun of just how bad she looks.
 
Harrison Ford involved in plane crash.  Thank goodness this man has been doing his own stunts for years because yesterday he crashed his private plane onto a golf course following engine failure and should not have walked away from the mangled plane.  His son Tweeted out to let us know his Dad is okay and said he is the man that we all think he is, strong.
 
Chappie comes out this weekend...and it stars Hugh Jackman and is about a robot that feels and even if sci-fi is not your thing... you should at least go just to see Hugh Jackman's stellar mullet, that thing is so on point they could put it in a museum.

E on The Q When Justin Bieber Is Pure

Kim Kardashian has a HAIRY forehead...she let that secret slip to People Magazine and she said people used to just always photoshop it for her but that she does treatments to keep it smooth.

The Sexy Farmer is coming to Dancing with the stars aww shucky ducky y'all...Chris Soules has been confirmed as the 12 secret contestant for this coming season...so he is a little bit of what you are in for...
 
the only thing we can hope for is this time he doesn't plow as many fields...if ya know what I mean...WINK WINK
 
And Justin Bieber...he wants us to think he is pure...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA...okay now that I got that out my system he covers Men Health this month and he talks about how he wants us to go back to seeing him as the innocent guy he once was...but C'mon biebs...we have seen you pee in a mop bucket and spit on fans to be cruel...and photoshopped abs aint gonna bring us back around
 
and finally...
 
Kanye West actually did something nice...he threw a free concert last night...so it was across the pond but he made the announcement on Twitter that his fans could come get free tickets while they lasted...but cmon...if you are still a fan of Kanye at this point...you deserve a parade...or at least a lick of his ice cream...oh 

E on The Q Where Kim Kardashian Is Talented...NOT!

Chris Brown is the father!  He has a 9 month old baby girl that none of us knew about with a former model that he has apparently been friends with for years.  Now the shocking part is he has been on and off again with Karrueche Tran (which I probably just butchered her name)..and 18 months ago they were still on...so my bets are now that we all know about the baby with another woman that they will be off again.

 
and speaking of babies
 
Carrie Underwood is a Mom!  Yesterday she posted the first pic and birth announcement of her son Isaiah Michael and announced that he was born on February 27th and that she is blessed to have him...and baby is cute...and maybe giving me a little bit of baby fever.  
 
Kim Kardashian is trying to have a talent...you know other than taking her clothes off...because she is taking piano lessons with a world reknowned pianist and will even be having a recital in May...all I ask is please do not let her and Kanye release a single together with her playing like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in the background.
 
A glimpse into Justin Timberlake's marriage...and it looks so good because yesterday was Jessica Biel's birthday and Millington's JT posted a pic of the two of them with the caption “Happy Bday to the sweetest, most GORGEOUS, goofiest chick I know. You make me smile ’til it hurts. I love you like crazy! –Your Huz

The Bachelor Tell All Blog

The Sexy Farmer plowed a lot of fields this season...so the Bachelor Tell All was bananas to say the least.  The weirdest part was probably knowing that Chris's tongue was in every woman's mouth that was sitting on stage.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorabc) 

 They started it off with Chris Soules and Harrison crashing Bachelor Watch Parties...which hello!!!  How can I get on this list for next year?!? There were of course Bachelor Drinking Games, like every time Chris kissed a girl you took a shot...which sounds awesome in theory...but I have a full time job and I would still be drunk from months ago if I had played.

 

Britt took the hot seat and whoa my goodness...she and Ashely I played nice but Carly came in with her claws out.  A weird thing happened though..the audience kept cheering Britt on and booing Carly...and maybe I am just a mean girl too...but I thought Carly was hilarious and the least fake part of this season.  Okay...she probably should not have made hand puppets to make fun of Britt...but come on...girl flip flopped like she was wearing Rainbows at the Beach.  

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(Phot courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC)

Britt tried to keep it classy and cried through the whole thing and honestly spent a full half hour of the special tossing her hair...you could tell she was working it trying to get named Bachelorette...but little did she know our girl Kaitlyn had already nabbed the title.

And then...dun dun duuuun...Kelsey took the hot seat.  And she of course started it with some crocodile tears.  Listen ladies...take a lesson...its not crying if there are no tears...we know you are faking!

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

So Kelsey was all like blah blah blah and says that people questioning her motives made her feel like she is reliving the grief of her husband's death...and then she snotted all over Chris Harrison's hankie out of his pocket.  The only way to describe her up on stage...is awkward.  The other girls rolled their eyes the entire time and Ashley I looked like she was about to hulk out of her pretty little dress to jump all over Kelsey.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

The girls tore into Kelsey...including someone who was sent home so early..I don't even know her name jumped on Kelsey and said that you do not grieve by using your dead spouse as a card.  Britt of course was like "guys be nice" and it was totally contrived.  

 

Since things were getting so heavy...Chris Harrison knew what to do...bring out Ashley S...which btw...I am still convinced she is a paid actress.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 

She came out and was bizarre

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

and even weirder...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 then she got offered a role on Bachelor Paradise and she of course space cadeted out and didn't give an answer.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 Jade took the hot seat and honestly...ever since I googled her...I can't look at her without thinking about her naked...I mean her Playboy pics were so naked I think I saw her ovaries...she talked about how Chris didn't keep it real with her and as a result she hasn't been able to properly move on and the she is still seeking closure.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @HollywoodLife)

 

Out rolls Kaitlyn...and I just really liked her this seaosn.  She was funny and just seemed like someone you could throw beers back with and talk about anything from lady cramps to Britney Spear's weave.  She was the first person to cry up there that I actually felt was showing real emotion.  Obviously she was left dumbfounded because she spent the night in the Fanta-NASTY suite with Chris.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

Then out walks Chris...and the room gets weird.  Britt is the first to confront him and the two share an awkwardly long embrace and all I can do is feel bad for Whitney or whoever he chose for how much he is squeezing a woman he used to date...and once they sat down it was like Britt thought she was still Chris's favorite and tried to establish their connection again and he froze her out...way to go Prince Charming

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then Kaitlyn questioned him on why he made her go through the rose ceremony and he basically apologized for messing up and that he was trying to do his best through the whole thing. It was quick to the point and seemed to suffice.  The weirdest thing about the whole time Chris was up on stage though...was the first time he wasn't trying to suck face with every woman in the room...it made him waaay more likeable and charming.

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(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's on ABC Local 24)

 Jade went last and for the first time in the whole special Chris finally showed some real emotion...I'm sure his fiance is jealous somewhere...because Jade questioned why he put down her hometown date with him on his blog.  The real answer is the sassier the better but he played it off as he made a mistake.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

The whole thing was emotional drama until the end when they played the bloopers...and we all realized that Chris Soules laughs like a dolphin. The only thing that sucks...is they forgot to mention that Kaitlyn is going to be the next Bachelorette.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 

 


E on The Q When Britney Spears Danced Her Weave Off!

 
Britney Spears danced her weave off...like seriously...girl was working it so hard on stage that her hair fell out while doing a concert in Vegas over the weekend...as a woman who used to wear extensions I laughed my butt off at this video...
 
What was Miley Cyrus doing back at Disney...oh ya know...just having the best date of her life.  She and her Boo kicked it with Pluto over the weekend and rode Space Mountain.  She posted pics to her Instagram and Hashtagged them home...but even more important...our little girl is starting to grow up because every outfit she wore covered her lady bits.
 
Ludacris is having a baby!  Well...his wife is anyways.  They made the cutesie announcement over the weekend with a picture of Ludacris kissing her belly...but word on the street is this is why the two got engaged and married within a day.  His wife is from a very traditional family who would not have stood for her having a baby out of marriage.  Regardless...congrats to the lucky couple!
 
Justin Bieber is a real adult now...because he turned 21 over the weekend and finally...at least one of the things he does is legal...but don't go thinking he has turned responsible on us...he is the same toolbag we love to hate because he spent his whole party shirtless, lighting fireworks and dancing to 50 Cent...
 
Taylor Swift is going to be the crazy cat lady.  She so much as owned up to it to Telegraph UK.  She said in five years she basically still sees herself single and loving on her cats when she is in her 30's...girl...I met my man online...we can get you set up with a Plentyoffish...actually you are classier than that...an EHarmony stat! 

Kanye and Kim are competing...for who can be most trashy.  Last night they both attended the Brit Awards and Kim did it with her nipples out but Kanye couldn't stand not having the attention on him, so he went to a fast food chicken restaurant where he began jumping on table and having people chant yeezus while he filmed them...those are two very needy people...
 
And speaking of the Britt Awards...
 
Madonna took a topple...and her steps weren't even icy.  Yesterday on stage for the awards ceremony Madonna wasn't quick enough in a wardrobe change and a backup dancer went to yank her cape of taking the almost 60 year old popstar with it.  She fell backwards and her feet literally went up over her head...the only thing hurt though was her pride!
 
Lady Gaga is taking a break from singing...to become an actress!  Gaga has joined the cast of American Horror Story as the female lead for next season which will begin this October. 
 
Sad news for Bobbi Kristina...yesterday doctors began to take her out of her medically induced coma to assess if she had any improvement over the past three weeks and she went into violent seizures and had to be put back into a medically induced coma.  The whole situation is sad and according to my source there has been a lot of fighting at the hospital between her family.

 


E on The Q Where Canada Hates Chris Brown

What one thing can Chris Brown not do...go to Canada! Chris was denied entry to the country because of his long criminal record...which means he couldn't perform at his booked concerts this week...plus I am sure he missed out on some fabulous poutine.  He tweeted out that he was trying to get down to the bottom of the immigration situation...but we know the real reason...Drake had him banned...just kidding...but that would be hilarious

 Good news 50 Shades of Grey fans....Jamie Dornan is not...not coming back for the sequels.  Yesterday a nasty rumor hit the internet and even I fell for it that Jamie was not going to be playing Mr Grey in the upcoming movies out of respect for his wife...now the movie studio is basically saying that the whole thing is conjecture because technically there are not sequels yet...but if there were wink wink that this would be the first that they heard of Jamie unhappy playing Christian.
 
Beyonce had her boobies hanging out.  So I love this so much because Beyonce decided to go out to lunch without her bra yesterday and pictures were snapped...and well...we have never seen her look so real and boobalicious before. 

 

What does Kim Kardashian pay $100,000 for?!?  To have someone photoshop her pictures before they make it to instagram.  I have learned from a source that 100K is a small price for Kim to pay to keep up her image.  So ladies with low self esteem...listen up...Kim Kardashian is a big old fake and no one really looks like that without makeup.
  

E on The Q When People Hated The Oscars

Kris Jenner is officially an empty nester...because little Kylie has spread her wings and at the age of 17 has purchased a $2.7 Million mansion in Calabasas.  Let that sink in that before she can even vote she now owns a 5 bedroom house with a home theater and even with all of those amenities...I am sure the best part is that she no longer has to live with her cray momager.

 
Cameron Diaz's marriage is already doomed. Because hubby Benji is giving their marriage bad juju and got her name tattooed across his chest. Which while sweet...always ends in divorce.
 
Kanye West is copying Kim Kardashian...because is launching his own video game app like his wife...the only difference is that his will be a game to help his deceased mother get into heaven...which even for him is kind of bizarre.
 
No one watched The Oscars...okay well people watched The Oscars but way less and ratings were at an all time low.  Now everyone is point the finger at Neil Patrick Harris...but I know the reason.  It is because no one has seen any of the movies that were nominated.  If you want a more mainstream audience...you are going to have to have more mainstream movies...like can we get 50 Shades of Grey up for best pic next year?!? 

Bachelor Blog When It is All About The Fa-Nasty Suite

Gross...just gross.  I want to get that out of the way.  Something about an episode where all three women "Spend" the night with a man within a three day period makes me feel gross and like a shot of penicillin may be needed...that being said...Hello Bachelor Nation!

So this week's episode was in Bali which was hilarious for two reasons.  None of the girls could tame their hair in the humidity and Chris had pit stains down to his waist the entire episode.

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Kaitlyn's date was pretty boring with Chris with the exception that monkey peed on him...but come on...he made out with Kelsey...so definitely not the nastiest thing on him this season.  They acted all lovey dovey and it ends with her invitation into the fantasy suite and in a creepy line from some cheesy after school special Chris told Kaitlyn..."We deserve this"...excuse me while I go throw up...and then of course they got freaky deaky.

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(Image Courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

So basically three hours after sucking face with Kaitlyn, Chris went to go meet up with Whitney.  I do not know if it was the heat but her voice seemed to be about 3 octaves higher than normal and of course she was suited up in her perky pants and spray tan.  They spent their date on a boat...and then it was hijacked by pirates...

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(Image Courtesy of Columbia Pictures from Captain Phillips)

Just Kidding...that's Captain Phillips...but it did get weird on the boat.  Whitney kept apologizing for her sister being doubtful on the hometown dates the week before and Chris kept giving her this serious look...which come on...there is no reason she should have apologized for her Sister being practical.

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(Image Courtest of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

They of course get ooshy gooshy and Whitney explains that she is willing to abandon all her personal professional goals to be with him...which might seem all sorts of dreamy now but six months from now when she only has cows to talk to...she might need to do some rethinking.  Then it gets weird because Chris totes takes her back to the fantasy suite where he literally just got it on with Kaitlyn like 18 hours ago.  Whitney talks about how romantic it is and I can only just hope that the sheets were changed.

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then comes Becca...the most frustrating of all the final three.  I give her mad respect for keeping her V Card and wanting to save herself for marriage.  I think it is admirable and the worst thing that could happen would be for her to throw it away on tv to some man dating three other girls...but boy does she start to bend on her morals

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

When they get to dinner Chris looks like he wants to eat Becca up and when she got her fantasy suite card...he legit winked at her.  Gross.  

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

...and then she told Chris...and he looked like Christmas had been cancelled.  It was one less field he got to plow...

Chris then cried and said that he was in love with all the girls...that or he was just sweating again. I give it a few months and he will be on his own version of Sister Wives. Sorry for whoever won...it has got to be a punch in the gut to see just how wishy washy he is about his feelings.  

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then came the rose ceremony...and Chris and the girls started  freaking and he pulled Becca out to talk to her one on one.  The other girls thought he must be sending her home but he just wants to get to the bottom of her feelings.  In whispery batman tones they talked about their love.  

 

..and then they marched back in and ruined Kaitlyn's parade.  Kaitlyn was so excited he was sending Becca home and then he went and cut her.  You could see the devastation and humiliation that she had Na-Na with a man and then next time he saw her...he broke up with her on national television...and then had the gall to say "I will always care about you" and basically threw in a "its not you, its me...".  

Kaitlyn Bristowe

(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @KaitlynBristowe)

You will be missed Kaitlyn.  You are quite possibly the prettiest cryer in the world and here is to hoping that you are the next Bachelorette! 

 


E on The Q Channing Tatum Take Off Your Pants!

E on the Q Oscars editions...bum bum bumb bum bahhhhhh!!!!

 
So first things first...my hair is wrecked because I stayed up so late watching Hollywood's Elite pat themselves on the back...so appreciate my wild mane...
 
No one saw any of the movies up for Oscars...because we are still too busy watching Transformers and Hunger Games Franchise movies because all together the pics up for best movie brought in only $600 Million at the box office to put that into perspective...50 Shades of Grey has brought in $100 million in just two weeks...
 
The Lego Song...Everything is Awesome...dominated the entire show!  Only when you have batman playing an electric lego guitar can true happiness happen.  I mean for a second there Oprah forget she was a billionaire and freaked and Channing Tatum even tried to telechenitcally speak to his. Left shark even made an appearance!
 
And then there was the fashion...
 
Gwyneth Paltrow looked like she was getting ready to go to her sweet 16 in 1985 that or she has a chach sitting on her shoulder,
 
J Lo ruled in a gorgeous princess dress.  She of course showed off a lot of boobage but whatevs,
 
Anna Faris made me want to be her and Oprah...well she was Oprah.
 
 
Lady Gaga stole the show...and did a tribute to The Sound Of Music...and it is official...Gaga I will never bring up your meat dress again...you are turning classy and you proved.  You go on with your new wholesome self...I vote that we do a revamp of the Sound Of Music and give you the role of Maria
 
The biggest snub of The Oscars went to...Joan Rivers.  She was completely left out of the Memorium.  So as a fan of her sassy work, I know she never won an Oscar but she was an icon for this event making red carpet interviews the thing that they are today and she starred in a handful of movies...so I want to take a moment to recognize her for her work...so Joan...even though the Oscars snubbed you last night...The Q Morning Show recognizes you. 

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