Y'all...what in the heck did I watch last night? This episode was the best and the worst one of the season! My face at the end was all like
So lets start at the beginning...first things first, The Bachelor reassured me last night that I do in fact have my life on track because after finding out that they will be going to New Mexico Megan freaks out because she has never been out of the country...
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
It started out with Carly winning her very first solo date with Chis...and it was awkward to say the least. It went all 50 Shades of Grey on us because they visited a Love Guru which meant Carly had to blindfold Chris and then breath all over his body to create intimacy...hopefully breath mints were taken before hand. From there the two were made to strip each other's clothes off to represent layers of themselves they hide under leading up to them toplessly embracing and sharing energies. The Love Guru the movie only has 14% on Rotten Tomatoes...and even that was better than this nonsense I watched. I literally had to cover my eyes a couple times because it got so awkward.
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Fast forward to the group date and the girls went White Water Rafting, which was all fun and games until Jade went flying out of the raft. Chris then publically rubbed Jade's feet helping her warm up and then all cattiness broke loose with all the girls getting jealous that they also did not face death...
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Then Chris did a big no no. He proved that getting sent home does not mean that you actually get sent home and that he rewards stalking because let Jordan rejoin the cast...She drove from Colorado and found Chris to say that she didn't think they were over and the girls went cray...Ashley I showed her butt in a major way and tried to rally all the girls together to be mean to Jordan. Thank goodness Whitney was there to say that is not cool and bad karma. Well after all the girls freaked, Chris told Jordan it wasn't fair and sent her packing again and gave his rose to Whitney for being a class act. Ashley I had a meltdown and did not understand why out of everyone he would pick Whitney and for once Mackenzie had something smart to say and told Ashley I that she was just mad because she doesn't like Whitney.
Now this is where the episode started to get insane...Brit got freaky Deaky with Chris. So it all started with her getting the solo date with a hint that it would involve heights. Chris decides to suprise her with the date by waking her up at 4am and making out with her in a hotel room filled with all of the girls...now this part had to be staged because Brit was in full makeup...including glitter...which means she is either moonlighting as a stripper at night or she is disgusting sleeping in heavy makeup at night...and I am not sure which is worse. Well she was freaking about the heights and like full on crying before Chris showed up and as soon as she saw hot air balloons as their date...she acted cheerful and like she hadn't just admited to being scared to death of heights. Weill they make out in the sky...which I think might be like the Mile High Club Jr and when they are done...go back to Chris's hotel room...and according to her...they take a nap...but c'mon...we all know that means that they got it on.
(Image Courtesy of @bachelorABC on Twitter)
After Britt left Chris's she of course goes and tells all the other girls that she spent the day hanging out in Chris's hotel room napping and everyone knew what that meant. So this is where Kelsey flipped her wig to crazy. She told the girl's about her deceased husband in a very nonchalant manner for the first time and then snuck to Chris's hotel room to tell him. Well once she was there she was sobbing and making a big production...very much unlike the other time she was talking about it...which screams FAKE!!! And then she tells the production crew that she loves her story and that it is so good.
(Image courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
At the end all the girl's were together again for the cocktail hour leading up to elimination and everyone was freaking out...except Kelsey who said that she was not nervous...but didn't let the girl's know what just happened. Then Chris let the cat out of the bag. He goes to talk to the girl's and starts man crying like a farmer who just lost his harvest and says that he needs a minute because it has gotten to real and he tells everyone what Kelsey had just told him. Chris leaves and Kelsey suddenly looks panicked because she had no idea Chris would out her convo because she thought it was private. All the girl's start freaking out...Including Ashley I, because she says her virgin story isn't as good as Kelsey's dead husband story...like she literally says that she wishes she had that. The whole thing takes this sick turn and Chris Harrison comes in and cancels the cocktail hour and says they will go straight into elimination...aka Chris was going to send Kelsey home but now he doesn't know what to do because he feels guilty.
(This Photo is courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Kelsey realizes what has just happened and she goes the bathroom and then passes out on the floor causing medics to rush her. She starts gasping for breath where she has passed out...you know...like a lady with her legs tucked up underneath her, dress perfectly arranged...not like she just decided to lie down on the floor and starts breathing heavy and talking nonsensically about a panic attack and then...
BOOM! It ended right there, no rose ceremony, no elimation...just Kelsey faking a panic attack on the floor.
Long story short, we learned that this is the cattiest season to date. Chris's whoreish ways are coming back to bite him in the butt because emotions are getting crazy. Britt was the first one to get it on, Kelsey may or may not have murdered her last husband and that Carly had to get topless and feed Chris chocolate.
Katy Perry knocked my bra off last night...we were way past socks with her Super Bowl performance...as someone who likes to get drunk and watch cartoons, the three margaritas I had set me up for some prime viewing. Homegirl started out the show straddling a giant puppet that may or may not have given me nightmares, a trippy lighting show that made me question gravity, sharks dancing the Macarena and ended it by riding a shooting star with fireworks coming out of the butt...Two thumbs way up girl...
Seth Rogen is a Weed-aholic because over the weekend while the rest of us were watching the Super bowl...he was smoking a giant "Super Bowl" of marijauna and posted the picture proof to his social media. He won for tackiest celeb post and I am sure if you asked him...he would just say that it is all Medicinal...right wink wink
Mariah Carey has hit rock bottom...she can't even lipsynch anymore...I mean no one is even asking her to sing, just to remember her own lyrics and move her mouth. She performed at the Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival and forgot her lyrics while lipsynching and she just started opening and closing her mouth like a frog trying to catch flies...then she got awkward because she knew we knew and she started playing with her hair and ear piece...the audacity!
Finally...Katy Perry's biggest secret of the Super Bowl...ex lover John Mayer was there cheering her on. These two lovebirds are back on and the cat was let out of the bag by Missy Elliot. She posted a late night pic of the after party and in it you can see Katy Perry and John Mayer getting pretty gosh darn cozy...
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